Valentines Day 2010 – Leave A Light On
Posted By admin on February 17, 2010
Valentines Day 2010 – Leave a Light On
A year has passed since Valentines Day 2009, and my life has immeasurably changed (mostly for the worse, but not completely) since then. If had many occasions to think and write about this, and since we’ve all been snow-bound in Central Iowa, its given me a lot of time to reflect.
A year ago this weekend, I was spending Valentines Day with someone I loved and in some ways still do (as the saying goes “You don’t just stop loving someone, either you never did or you always will.”) …. Anyway it was a very special occasion; one that I will remember very fondly for the rest of my life. Unfortunately 4 months after that, the relationship ended in a situation that I would have to say is one of the worst emotional defeats in my life. Through major misunderstandings and Satan’s influence, what was once a pure and loving relationship between two partners, combusted into a terrible nightmare. Each day passes, and I remember a date or a time that we shared together. Try as I might, its nigh-on impossible to get that time out of my mind.
Through that situation, I came face to face with myself. I have Borderline Personality Disorder – and it negatively affects relationships that I am in. BPD causes me to become very sad very easily, and to lash out in anger when I’m frustrated or feel rejected. Worst of all it causes me to hide myself from other people. On the plus side, it gives me super-abundant creative fuel, so I do praise God for who I am in that respect. I just have the fact that it burns people who get too close to it, and there’s not much I can do to stop it sometimes.
But this year was the first where I saw my problems hurt and burn someone that I loved. So know I think back to Valentines Day a year ago, and I cry. I miss those times, and my logical side knows that there’s absolutely nothing I can do to bring them back. Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about love and this year I’ve got an empty heart. And its not at all that I’m mad at God — I’m just hurt and confused by it all. I’ve driven hundreds of miles around the highways of Central Iowa trying to clear my head. I’ve written dozens of songs, and logged hundreds of hours of prayer. And the pain is still there – it is easier to manage – but its still there. I’m sure this storm, in some sense, will never completely pass. And that’s ok..sometimes hurts never really leave, they just get easier to manage.
Anyhow…time marches on. I know I won’t ever know love like that again. But I believe God led me through that for a reason. There are times (that I can’t mention here) that I shudder to think about what happened, what I could have done differently. Forgiveness.
On the plus side…through the pain that I suffered in the summer of 2009. God has seen fit to open wide the gates of my mind, and blessed me with songs. I released “Light In The Rain” which has went on to be my most successful CD ever. And I (hopefully) will soon release “Polk County Line” a folk-based all-acoustic album that is about pain and suffering and what drives people to do what they do.
Anyhow…I’ve never grown so much in my life as I have in my 8 months. Part of me wishes I could do it over, because there are things I’d definitely change. But it also has taught me more about who Jesus is, what He’s done, and what He means to me. I am also so grateful for family and friends…they all could have turned their back on me (and rightly should have) last year, but none of them did. I remember having a meeting with my best friends in my mom’s backyard in late June of 2009, where we just hung out and talked about happenings. I’m so deeply grateful for my friends.
Life is a growing experience, and 2009 was just that for me. My hope and prayer for you is that you tell people you love them, and live it out. You never know who might need to hear that. 
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